Why won’t they eat (sleep, use the potty)? Making the first offer to a toddler

Why not start with one of the toughest problems of all—convincing a toddler to do what you want them to do? If you have kids, you know that this problem often seems insurmountable. From eating, to sleeping, to using the potty, your priorities for toddlers only occasionally correspond to their priorities for themselves. Not that I’m speaking from experience.

Yet, this problem is not insurmountable. It’s negotiable.

Now, negotiations with toddlers could fill up a book or two, and chances are that future blog posts will take up the topic. But today, I’ll just touch on one research-based negotiation principle that I consider useful for this situation: making the first offer.

Negotiation research shows that, with a few notable exceptions that I will probably discuss in the future, it’s generally a good idea to make the first offer—that is, to make an offer before the other side does. Why? Because doing that focuses their attention on what you want—your goals—rather than what they want. Focused on what you want, they adjust their own goals.

This principle applies to toddlers in many ways, but let’s discuss just one, in the context of convincing a toddler to eat their dinner. If your toddler doesn’t like to do that, the typical evening probably looks something like this: you sit them down in front of a lovingly-prepared plate. They stare at it dubiously while you eat your own food, all the while imploring them in increasingly frustrated terms to eat theirs. Eventually, the pot boils over and someone gets upset—either they or you. Either way, the toddler throws a tantrum and refuses ever more strenuously to eat. Eventually, perhaps, you give in and offer them an array of goodies—a cookie, Sesame Street, a new toy—whatever will quell the rising storm. They demand TWO cookies AND Sesame Street; exhausted, you agree, and they win.

There are at least two problems with this approach: you give them more than the one cookie you really wanted to, and you reinforce the idea that temper tantrums “work,” thus creating the impetus to throw another one tomorrow. On the basis of negotiation research, how about trying this instead? Before even sitting them down at the table, say something like: “Now it’s important to eat our dinner. If you eat all of your dinner tonight, you can have one cookie. If you don’t eat all of your dinner, you can’t have any cookies.” No guarantees with a toddler (to offer one would be the height of foolishness), but mine often smiles and digs into dinner.

Note what you’ve done here: you’ve made a clear first offer, on your terms. You’ve focused the toddler on your goal—eating the dinner—while offering them something that satisfies their own goal—getting a cookie. In the process, you’ve avoided throwing in the second cookie and Sesame Street, and you’ve also avoided setting the precedent that bad behavior gets rewarded. Family serenity prevails.

I consider this an effective strategy, but also one to use sparingly. Just like you don’t want to reinforce tantrums, you don’t want your toddler thinking that the only reason to behave well is an extrinsic reward like a cookie. So this is a strategy that I’d recommend using occasionally, if and only if you’ve got a problem with your toddler’s behavior. But it is a strategy, and that’s better than a dinnertime meltdown.

What do you think? Have you used a similar approach, and if so, how did it go?

 

24 thoughts on “Why won’t they eat (sleep, use the potty)? Making the first offer to a toddler

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  18. As a parent of two tiny humans, I agree. The biggest thing I see parents struggle with (me too at times, though I’m better at it with my 2nd child) is sticking to that initial offer in the negotiation process–and reinforcing the whole cause/effect relationship. It should be noted that developmentally, reasoning is something that comes around later in the toddler years (between ages 2-3) and no matter the offer at hand, their brains can not fully comprehend that cause/effect relationship in its entirety, and thus does not mean you are failing at your negotiation skills or at being a successful parent. 😉

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  19. I have seen this technique work for two of my friends with their younger children, which keeps this situation calm and void of ultimatums. As mentioned by “our slice” age is a factor for consideration, as is level of cogntive function. No matter the age, certain CNS conditions like autism, make this tactic null and void. However, I have used it with our 20 year old (swap dinner for chores and cookie for car) and it is highly successful.

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  20. Thanks for the comment. Yes, I would always encourage negotiators to adjust for what they know about their counterpart (e.g., age or cognitive functioning). Barring any individual-level factors that argue against making the first offer, though, I would still encourage it. Glad to hear it worked well with a 20-year old!

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  21. Really well written. Thank you!
    However, I find the reality of the situation not to be as straightforward as we all think. Imagine having 3 kids, but let’s ignore the 3-month-old one for a moment and focus on a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old. The 5-year-old is a good eater and always has been. 3-year-old is horrible eater and always has been. The problem (and the blessing) is that they both sit at the same table and observe each other, and LEARN very fast what kind of behavior can pass. I tried promising the treat before the dinner (mostly for the benefit of a 3-year-old), but what happens is that the 5-year-old finished her dinner even faster and asks for that cookie. Now, once the cookie is in sight, you can forget about the chicken in the plate in front of the 3-year-old. Tantrum starts right there. I tried making the 5-year-old wait until her sister is done, but then I realized I was punishing the good eater for finishing her meal even faster. I also tried having a 5-year-old put some pressure on her sister to finish the meal faster so they can both get cookies (peer pressure), but that didn’t work neither, because the 3-year-old realized at that point that everything revolved around her finishing the dinner, and all of the sudden she had a lot of power. At that point, negotiation took the wrong turn one more time. I’ve had a few additional more or less successful attempts to resolve this problem. She ends up eating (for the most part) but usually negotiating different concessions along the way. I’m thinking that the food is not her thing. The reason I say this is because when we promised to pierce her ears when she gets potty trained, she was potty trained within a week. Priorities….

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